Dec 27, 2011
I call up Shruti.
“H-Hi,” I stutter into the cell phone. I have to tell her. I need to share this with a girl. Sajjad has always been my best friend, but right now he’s not the one I want.
“Hey,” she replies cheerfully, but I know she knows why I’ve called her.
“It says positive,” I tell her flatly, if a little tearfully.
“Oh…” she takes a deep breath “well, then congratulations! Say congratulations to Sajjad.” I know she’s trying to turn this into a positive situation of celebration, like it is for most people. But it has the opposite effect, my tears flow freely once again.
“Hey, don’t cry, it’s gonna be alright. I know you didnt want this now,but it’s a blessing from God. Don’t cry, for heaven’s sake!” And that makes me cry all the more. Because I know I shouldn’t be crying. I should be happy. I should be celebrating this the way other women do. I feel sad. Sad for the tiny little life who I shouldnt be treating this way. I feel no joy.
And I feel a little abnormal. Am I? Isn’t this a time to be happy?
“Yaar… I don’t know why I’m so upset. I ought to be happy, right? I mean, Bella never wanted anything except for Edward, but then when she became ppregnant she was really happy and wanted to be a mother…. so why can’t I be happy, too?”
I didn ‘t say, did I — I’m a Twilight fan. (Don’t hate me if you’re not, though.I just try to relive my teenage through it…)
This time Shruti really laughed.
“Are you nuts? That’s a story! You’re not Bella! And you don’t have to feel anything that anybody else feels. It’s ok, you weren’t expecting this. It’s a shock for you and so you’re responding that way. It’ll be fine in some time.”
Will it, though?