Chapter 2 (II): Have you held someone’s life in your hands?

Have you? 

Have you held a gun in your hand and felt terrified about pulling the trigger?

Have you looked at that bug crawling near your bed and thought about squishing it?

And then have you felt awful for wanting to kill it?

There are times when we do hold someone’s life in our hands, even if it is as tiny as a bug.

There was a time when I held someone’s life in my hands. And that some one was my own baby.

Dec 27, 2011

11:00 a.m.

My regular gynaecologist, Sonia, is out of town, So I’ve an appointment with Dr Ruchi instead. She’s a happy-looking, friendly woman in specs and a saree. 

“So, you’re planning to have a baby?” she asks pleasantly.

“Well, this isn’t exactly planned…” I tell her nervously…” We weren’t intending this to happen so soon…” But I had misunderstood her.

“No, I mean, but you are planning to continue the pregnancy, right?” 

Of course. Of course. I hear my mind saying it even before I say it out loud. I cannot think of that word. I cannot think of murder. For all my crying and wrath and resentment, not once have I thought about not ‘continuing with it’. The thought makes me want to throw up.

And that’s what makes me realise that I hold this tiny little life in my hands. It’s survival, it’s growth, it’s entire existence–it’s all up to me. 

It also made me realise that I’m not such a bad person after all… perhaps I was selfish, I wanted my life to be just so. But I wasn’t selfish enough to want to kill someone for it. 

Yes ma’m, however much might people say that the foetus isn’t alive until so and so time, in your heart, you know it is. You know it is, because every single second, it grows. And growth is the only sign of life. 

So yes, I have held someone’s life in my hands. And that has made me realise that all life is sacred. Even a tiny foetus.

Or for that matter, even a bug.

8 thoughts on “Chapter 2 (II): Have you held someone’s life in your hands?

    • Thanks dear, although I kind of expected hate mail from people and disgusted looks for not feeling “top of the world” at being a mom. You know, its sumthing everyone is expected to feel…best feeling in the world etc etc…. so I was ready for a lot of brickbats but having you all praise me feels so good! I’m so happy that you can understand….


  1. It’s funny how I barely know you and even though through your writing you are pretty clear about how much the pregnancy was an unwelcomed surprise, it never crossed my mind that you would even consider not having the baby. Making that HUGE decision to keep the baby is a big one and something your child will thank you for for the rest of he/she’s life.

    I’m really looking forward to more blog entries! if you are strategically spacing them apart to nurture a sense of suspense, that is genius!


    • Ha ha ha, no I’m not using this as a suspense tactic, it’s just that my son keeps me on my toes all the time and he’s not well these days so all the more hectic for me. I just blog whenever I can find that much free time for it!
      It’s touching for me to know that you somehow knew that I wouldn’t decide not to have the baby. That shows we have something in common– a sense of the sacredness of life. And thanks for thinking so highly of me, too!
      Thanks so much for looking forward to the blog entries! It makes me feel very special to have you read them and enjoy them , and your comments are an added encouragement. Thanks a lot!


  2. I wanna appreciate how well and easily you have explained a Mother. Planned or Unplanned once baby is there you develop that motherly love so soon. Allah has created mothers and their love in a very special way. Lovely


      • However I have not yet experienced the motherhood yet but I can imagine fluctuating thoughts about your baby when its not a planned one 🙂


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